Shadowvssonic1

Wow. The last time I posted on here was in 2013, when I was 14. So much has happened since then and so much was happening back then, too. I bet none of the people following me knew that for the last, I think, year or so before I wrote the last journal entry, I was being molested by one of my teachers who took advantage of me being weak over my parents divorce. I don't know how many of my old friends are still active or still log in to their accounts, so maybe the only person who will ever see this will be me in another 5 years when I take another trip down memory lane. But if anyone I used to be close with or even talk to reads this, I hope you're doing well! I'm gonna tell you what's happened in the last five years, and a couple of things that went down in the 2 or so years I was active on the site that I never really talked about. 💜

So I was being molested for a while before I left the site, like I said. He was everyone's favorite teacher so I never told anyone. I just repressed the memories for a few years. I was also dealing with my parents getting a divorce, my mom's alcoholism getting worse, and I got to question my sexuality and gender (and hide both of those things) so much more. I don't even go by Athena anymore, I go by Jay. I'm trans. I had to get taken to Texas, which I posted about, but I never told anyone here that it was because my mom's alcoholism was putting my little brother and I in danger. 
The first girl I dated, I was shitty to her. Honestly. I broke up with her to be with someone else and she didn't do anything to deserve, so yeah, I accept that I fucked up. Chcichikoalabear is who I broke up with her for. She was abusive. She abused me and blamed two suicides on me, so I guess that was some karma for being so bad to my first girlfriend. She wasn't the last abusive partner I had but she was the least physical since she was too far to do anything to me. 
Jack, who I posted about a lot, also molested me and played it off as a joke. He kind of made me into "the bike of our friend group" since a lot of our friends took it as, they can molest and harrass me all they want. Eventually I came out as trans and even though they didn't respect my gender, they didn't want to be gay so they stopped touching me.
Then I had an on and off thing with a girl named Grace. She was physically abusive more than once. I tried to starve myself to death. The worst thing that happened was when I got raped on halloween night when I was 16, by a girl I thought was my friend, and everyone brushed it off. I wanted to be dead and I didn't know how to handle how I felt so I spiraled. I started using sex to self harm by sleeping with anyone who would even look at me because I didn't feel like I even owned my body anymore, I felt like she owned it. I took pills my friend found and crushed them up and snorted them, I sucked my friend's dick for weed and alcohol and my mom never knew. 
A year and a half ago, I met this really nice guy named Dylan. We were both trans, we were both kin with the same person (we thought), and we both wanted to be friends. We ended up dating not long after meeting and I was a few months from graduating high school, I was 17 and he was 16 when we started dating. I finally started going to therapy regularly and taking medication and I learned about my DID system and it turned out, Dylan and I weren't kin with the same character actually! We both had a fictive in our systems of the same person. But we both have DID, and I was also diagnosed with severe clinical depression, generalized anxiety disorder, some panic disorder, and PTSD. I was so scared of those titles but Dylan helped me feel less alone. 
I was hospilatized for a week after having a major meltdown in school and relapsing into self harm, while sitting under a desk having a panic attack. At the hospital they added ADHD to my diagnones. I called Dylan every day at the hospital and told him how much I loved him. Some of my friends visited and dad asked for time off of work to come see me, even though he was across the country at the time. Before that, our relationship had been really shaky but he really cared about me enough to take time off of work to drive across the countru to visit me in the hospital. Things got better between us after that. 
After I was released, things got worse between my mom and I. Her alcoholism got worse and she kept animals we couldnt afford. She was neglectful and "borrowed" $200 I'd earned, which she spent on alcohol. I was furious that she could know how bad off we are financially and still waste so much money on drinking with her boyfriend. 
While dad was visiting for my graduation, he mentioned that I could go and work with him. He was a trucker that sold merchandise at races and I could work with him for two weeks. We made a plan for me to get a hotel in Ohio for three days to visit Dylan, and then dad would pick me up and I would begin work. I asked my weed friend to take me but the plans fell through. I ended up spending the last $80 I had on a bus ticket to Ohio and begging dad to pay for a hotel room I couldnt afford. I didnt get to eat for almost two days because I had no money but Dylan's family let me stay at their house instead of my hotel room and his mom sent me with a little care package of food so I would be able to eat the night I went back. I spent three days with him and I knew I wanted to spend my life with hom. 💜
Things aren't perfect right now but they're not as bad as they have been. Dylan and I are going to a concert for our 2 year anniversary in September, I live with my nana and dad, I babysit for money, and I have intense flashbacks and nightmares and still want to die sometimes. But things are, absolutely, so much better than they were. I honestly, honestly don't know if I'd be alive if it weren't for all of my friends on this website that I met and talked to. I'm going to leave this page up just so I can look back on it later, but I'm so glad to be here today. I'm so glad things got better. I'm so glad I met any of you. I don't know if I'll get any comments from people I used to know or if this is just for me, but if you read this, I hope things are okay. 

I seriously have no time for dA anymore. I'll be Deactivating before a week passes. Plus I've been really upset for a long time and I have to act all happy here with you guys. I'm so sorry. If you need me, I'm on Tumblr, xSvs1x. Maybe I'll make a new dA sometime. Just not now. I'll also be on Facebook. Please, for the love of whatever you worship (Or if you're Athiest, just something you really like) add me on it. Or Skype. My User on that is xSvs1x.

LIKE REALLY LAST NIGHT THIS WOULD EVEN WORK OH MY GOOOD.

I'm so so so so so so SO sorry I haven't been on in forever.. *Hits head on random wall* Please don't blame me, I've had a lot going on!
I've been staying up longer than I should to write Fanfics and watch Hetalia! I know.. You should blame me, but just hear me out please! I've gotten, like, 8 hours of sleep in the past three days combined, and I'm eating less!
That's not the point. The point is I'm not on as much, and that probably won't change for a while. I'm sorry. Please don't be upset. Don't hate me. ;-;



Side note: I have a Fanfic.net account. The Fanfics I post there may surprise you. They are pretty different than what y'all are used to from me. _{Including typos because God dang it, I don't review this crap... *Mutters*} So, do't too shocked. Linky-poo (wtf?) :www.fanfiction.net/u/4470955/